Ok, so we decided to do the wire swap fix over the weekend.
I cut the mesh covers on the unichip harness, opened up the connector, and swapped/spliced the proper wires (I had a schematic the shop gave me for the swap).
It was a shot in the dark, but to my surprise, it worked. The car was immediately fixed. It pulls super hard and burns rubber in gears 1-3. It still runs rich, but it functions well. I'll get the unichip tuned to get it a little leaned out.
So nobody knows why, but for some reason my unichip harness needed the cam and crank sensor wires swapped.
Who knew that through all this searching for a solution, all I needed to do was swap those wires. Turbonetics should take note of this issue and the symptoms, and suggest it if someone has these problems again.
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